Jesus & Me Part 1: The Decline

I was literally afraid to go to college my first year. Not only did I have no idea what I wanted to do or have any interest in studying for another four years, but I also had zero desire to be around the sin and debauchery I knew would go on during college years. I had just gone on a mission's trip to Macedonia with my church the previous summer, was on a spiritual high, and was so not psyched for what was to come. Furthermore in a school of nearly 40,000 people, I immediately felt small and lost, away from home and the friends I had during high school. It was at this time that I found the Rock Climbing Club at UIUC...or rather the family I'd have for the next four-odd years. 

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Climbing is an interesting activity. More so than any other I've experienced, it has a tendency to bond individuals incredibly close. Within weeks of starting to climb, I was best friends with the others in the club and went on weekend excursions to Southern Illinois to go climbing. However the only problem was...not a single person was psyched on Jesus like I was. There were of course, a few Christians in the climbing club and even a couple were involved in campus ministries. But it seemed whenever the topic of Christ came up, conversation would shy away and instead find a new topic. Talking about Jesus had somewhere along the line become a taboo conversation topic. My solution for this dilemma I was facing was to go seek out other community on campus: small groups or Wednesday night church sessions. Unfortunately, as had also been the case during my high school church life, I could never find MY community there. I would meet people and have acquaintances, but no one I could keep in contact with and nobody who I'd actually call friend. I just didn't fit in anywhere...except the climbing club. So that's where I went all in.

 

For the next few years I became increasingly involved in the activity that became my lifestyle. I switched majors from mechanical engineering to recreation and tourism. I spend thousands of dollars on rock climbing gear, travel expenses to Colombia South America to climb, and cross-country trips around the States. I stopped attending any sort of small group or Bible study because it conflicted with my climbing schedule. I'd get drunk, smoke weed, and fool around with girls. Until the end of my college career, I had unconsciously put Jesus on the back burner of my mind, and deliberately placed him on the back burner of my actions. I would still call him my Savior, send out prayers, and trust that "Home-dog Jesus" had my back. I mean, everyone makes mistakes or has their vices...but that doesn't mean they don't believe right?

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Yea I guess that's right...until it isn't. Senior year came around and I remember a few months where I had serious religious conversations with my friends, some Christian and some not. I would hear stories, experiences, beliefs and values. Reasons for believing, reasons for not believing, and even reasons for turning away from Faith. Often, my Christian friends couldn't hold up a conversation while non-believers could talk for days. Eventually, I got to the point where I couldn't call myself a Christian anymore. I couldn't 100% believe a God that I couldn't explain, nobody had answers to, was unjust, unrealistic, and who I didn't see in my life. I was no longer a Christian but no longer not-a-Christian. I became someone who didn't know what I believed and was honestly content with leaving that as it was.

 

Jesus & Me Part 2: Limbo

This is when I my passion for climbing took over. I was always looking for the next place to go and climbing more difficult routes than I ever had been. The winter of my senior year of college began as normal but ended with a two week solo trip down to a world-class rock climbing mecca in Northern Mexico, El Potrero Chico. With 2,000 ft. grey limestone walls, awesome people, and a fantastic surrounding culture, it quickly became one of my favorite climbing areas ever. Returning to the states after that trip was extremely difficult for me. I had nothing calling out to me except for the rock and no community to build me up except the one made up of like-minded climbers. So throughout the next year I made the decision to work a ton so I could quit my job come the following winter. I continued training to get stronger and climbed to get more experienced. There were some way cool routes in Mexico I had my sights set on and I wasn't about to leave my dreams as dreams. 

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That year when I returned to Mexico my psych was the highest it had ever been and I remember telling myself that for the foreseeable future, climbing was my only and #1 priority. Not girls, not drinking, not food, and not making money...rock climbing. A lot of things changed however but I want to focus on my time spent in El Búho, the ministry cafe that serves as the community hub for rock climbing activity in El Potrero Chico. Climbers, especially the gringos, would hang out here on rain days, off days, or to grab some good coffee so naturally I gravitated there as well. But not only that, I started to really become friends with the volunteer missionaries that worked there and regularly went climbing with them or talked about life. Throughout my trip, conversations began to touch on topics I hadn't thought about in the better part of a year and a half: religion and Jesus; and these conversations led me to a place where I I finally wanted to figure out what I believed. 

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So I argued with them. I brought up questions that I had never had answered. I told them why I stopped believing in Christ, but I also heard their own personal stories. The last night I was in Mexico there was a big going-away party for a few of the month(s)-long-stayers. That night my friend, Coleman at El Búho who I had met my first night in Mexico that year and had grown super close with told his testimony. To be honest, I didn't want anything to do with it at the time and wanted to party, but I listened uninterested until he told me these words: "Sean, I wholeheartedly believe that if you're looking for answers then the Bible will give them to you." While I didn't trust this ethereal entity was going to spawn answers in the Bible for me, the relationship I had made with my buddy made me believe him when Coleman told me that, even though it didn't make sense. "I'll give it a go," I thought. I still had my doubts about the Truth and couldn't say I believed in Jesus at all, but if the Bible could give me answers then why not.

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That year I kept his words in mind as I traveled from rock climbing destination to rock climbing destination. I'd try and read the Bible every night seeking answers to the questions I had and I'd pray to God to show me His presence so I could have some foundation on which to believe. Worst case scenario was that He wasn't there at all and I wouldn't find any answers, meaning that I was right all along. But best case scenario was I'd get to know Him and have direction for my life apart from climbing. I never got solid answers to all of my questions, even though I was searching hard. God never came out and showed me his presence. But things happened every once in a while that made me think about Him differently. Could this not be a coincidence? Why did that actually happen? Why is is Godly encouragement from friends the only thing that overcomes my loneliness right now? My need for logical answers was replaced with acceptance of faith and His love. Over that year I slowly began to have a change of heart and mind without me being conscious of it. When it was time to return to Mexico, I guess I would say that I was a believer once again.

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Jesus & Me Part 3: The Prodigal Son

The things I believed were rooted in what was. And it was if I could feel them, if I could touch them, or if they affected me. All the time from when I started to drift away in college until my third year in Mexico, I had been looking for proof that God was. I wanted to be yelled at or see some sign that Jesus was real. I wanted to have proof that Christianity was and other religions weren't. But I never got it...instead of God yelling at me it was like he gave me a bunch of whispers until I had to accept His presence and love. 

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I grew even more with the crew at El Búho my third year in El Potrero Chico than I had before. I grew closer to that family and attended bible studies, church sundays, and the usual coffee hangouts. We went climbing, made jokes, and trained together. I felt His love through the way these individuals loved me and it further changed my heart and my beliefs. Towards the tail end of my stay, there was a day when me and my friend Mike were in the dumps. I was utterly depressed in what I expected to come after I left the country, Mike was having doubts about the next year and had just gotten detained while crossing the border back into Mexico, and we both were feeling alone and without hope. So we sat down in his living room and had a prayer session. We asked for discernment, direction, joy, and the Holy Spirit and hooly dooly folks. What had been a down-in-the-dumps day was flipped upside down, spun around 180 degrees, and smashed out of the park. Not only did we get smiles from ear to ear we couldn't contain, but we had to dance we felt so good. In that moment Jesus really did yell at me and He did even more than that, He came down and met me where I was.

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You know, the story of the prodigal son is pretty much my story. I thought I had everything figured out, went off on my own, and rejected the Truth to seek Truth. But I got lost. I got lost and kept getting more and more lost until my Father came out to me and led me back. He led me back to Him, clothed me in a robe and gave me a ring. Even after I spat in his face and turned my back. How good is God eh? How great is His love and His grace? I fully believe that nothing can compare and not one thing is greater than He who met me where I was at, and called me loved. Since then, I have  returned to El Búho each consecutive season although my role has become very different from what it once was. I've become part of the staff as a missionary in the cafe and recently even taken on position as the shop manager and ministry leader. God has proven His majesty, Truth, love, and promises over and over. I've matured spiritually and emotionally, and am more grounded in His word than ever before. Just like the story of the blind man, I was once blind...but now I can see!